My life is in transition.
Everything I thought I knew about my body and myself have changed. I feel like I’m learning to walk again.
If you would’ve asked me two years ago where I’d be right now, I promise you the answer would not have been pregnant! But God’s plan is always better than mine. Honestly, I think I’ve always wanted a baby deep down, but I was just so wrapped up in my life and career goals that I didn’t know where I would fit it in. And for me, being married was a very important step that I had to take before even thinking about children. Believe me, I mean that in the most selfish way. I need help! Raising a child has always been so frightening. The thought of me being responsible for another person’s life terrified me. It was just way too much for my brain to process. So if God did decide to lie that on me I believed I would need help, someone to split the blame with.
And love…the love scared me too. Anyone who knows my story knows that I have had my heart broken to pieces. Therefore, there is the wall that I have built to shield myself from that level of heartache again. But when it comes to my baby, that wall has been demolished. I never knew I could love like this. I never knew I could worry, and pray and beg God so much for one person. I am terrified and so deeply in love at the same time. It is unbelievable.
I’m only five months pregnant, my baby is only a little over a pound and I’ve never physically met him yet, but I swear every time I feel him make a movement inside me I feel like he is communicating with me, saying, “Hi Mommy, I’m ok in here.” It makes me so happy. I pray for his life and his health everyday. I pray that I am a good mother, that he knows how much I love him already and that my husband knows as well. There are so many new feelings and emotions I’m dealing with right now. I feel like a totally different person.
I’m learning to be me again, but a different version of me, a better version. I am taking this journey day by day. When I think too far ahead it overwhelms me. I’m learning to walk again, taking baby steps. Oh God, what a journey.