I Haven’t Been Able to Write

I’ve been going through a lot in my personal life and even though for the most part I am an open book this has been stuff that I don’t know how to talk about.  Although I know I probably should because I have just been holding it all in and that is never good for me, but I just can’t find the words to express how I’ve been feeling.  So tonight I decided to just write to you…whomever it is that may be reading this.  I want to thank you for allowing me to be open and honest.  I want to thank you for allowing me to believe this is my judgment free zone.  I just want to thank you!

If I had to sum up all of my feelings right now into one word, that word would be overwhelmed, extremely overwhelmed (that’s two words).  Over the years I’ve trained myself to push my emotions to the side and just keep moving forward through adversity.  I’ve learned how to just be quiet when I can’t find the words to say.  I know how to stay away when I’m in an uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately you can only avoid a situation for so long before it shows up at your doorstep.  I know I am being annoyingly vague right now but this is the best that I can do.  This is why I haven’t been able to write.

Not being able to write is probably the worst thing in the world that could happen to me.  It’s like running out of aspirin when you have a headache.  Or having no food in your house during a snowstorm.  It makes me feel helpless and out of control.  I find myself moving through my day aimlessly.  I’ve become a wanderer.  I try to only do things that I have complete control over like go to work, workout, breathe…sounds crazy but it works for me.  If I find myself veering from any routine my mind gets confused and I can quickly find myself in that dark place that I’ve been avoiding.  I was there today but I quickly snapped out of it.   So that is why I am here now typing away with no destination.   Thanks again for letting me babble because I just haven’t been able to write!