I found out today that my ex-boyfriend is engaged. At first I felt sick and started to do what most women do in this situation, question themselves. Why wasn’t it me, what’s wrong with me, how did I let him get away…blah, blah, blah. Then I had to stop myself, I can’t beat myself up over what wasn’t meant to be. There is another plan for me, another person honestly a completely different life. I can’t provide him the things he needs nor can he me.
Lately, I have been getting answers to questions that have been racking my brain. Question #1, why am I still in CT? I have a history of being a “runner”. When I’m not happy with something I run, to another place, another state, wherever, I just get up and go, take what I can fit in a car and relocate, start fresh. I have had the desire to do that for a year now but I haven’t been able to. There has been something holding me back. The difference between now and then is whenever I would leave I was 100% sure that I was making the right decision. This time, not so much.
The other day I was meeting with BTB (Brighter Than Before) and I was telling them about my feelings of being stuck and the questions I had and Toya gave me this list of reasons that I could possibly be stuck that she found in this book.
1. You aren’t ready to move (habitual behavior, addiction to current situation)
2. You aren’t paying attention (distraction unless you feel alert inside you won’t be able to pick up hints and clues being sent outside)
3. The environment won’t support you (there is more to learn or your conscious desires are in conflict with deep doubt)
4. You feel threatened by expansion (it’s safer to stay)
5. You keep seeing yourself as the old person.
Me being the person I am started to analyze every possibility and I found that each of them may have had a little truth to my stillness. But after driving myself crazy in wonder I figured it out. It all has to do with responsibility. For the first time in my life the decisions that I make do not only affect me. No I’m not engaged or married, no I don’t have children, or a mortgage or job that has me locked in one place. But what I do have is a career that I have built a solid foundation here. I have people who I feel responsible for in my business, books that I have made commitments to publish, shows that I am committed to touring, other people who are looking to me for participation in their success and lives that are riding on me being responsible and seeing through on my promises.
I’m not a kid anymore I am not just responsible for myself I am responsible for other peoples lives, successes and dreams. For the first time I am a part of real team and my presence is required. I have made a commitment that I must honor – and that is why I am still here. We (Brighter Than Before) are on the brink of something amazing, we were definitely put together for a reason. “Wide Open” and “The Thick Chronicles” are plays with a message they will help save millions of lives and we must see it through that they reach those people. Each of us has our own special, unique talent that adds to us as a whole. Together we are powerful beyond measure and I know that 100%. I am humbled that I was chosen to be a part of this magic.
So that is my engagement announcement, God wants me married to my career for now. Once I do my duties with that then he will send me a man that is right for me and I am right for, because I can’t bring that special man a broken me I have to be a whole and fulfilling my purpose will fill me up. So I will be obedient and do that first and await my Prince at the top.
Brighter Than Before, Ent.
& Me, Shireal Renee