Every once in a while you have to take a step back and evaluate your life. Especially when you are a person like me who has always thought I have known what I wanted to do. Not that that has changed but life has a way of throwing hurdles on your path and they can slow down your progress or send you on another route that you may be unfamiliar with. So I find myself having to stop, look and listen.
The truth is I am scared out of my mind. Everyday seems to be presenting a new challenge. Sometimes it seems like no matter how much I get accomplished I still have so much more to do. Just last month I wrote six scripts. Four feature films and a pilot for a TV drama including the first 3 episodes. Yep, I did that in a month. Insane right? Maybe, maybe not. My mind wont let me stop. It keeps coming up will all these ideas so many that I can’t even keep up with. Sometimes I just have to write the idea down in my journal and then come back to it later.
Sometimes I just wish I was normal. I wish I could just be one of those people who went to college got a degree a good job, married and had some kids. But that is not my life, not even close. My dreams are so much more complex. For that last three years I have been running and running chasing what I think is right, praying for a big break, putting myself out there, performing, writing, acting, directing, being judged, questioned, leached on, inspired…blah blah blah now I am left drained. I just need to disconnect from it all. I want to sit back and be a student for a while. Be quiet, observant, listen, patient…take myself out of the picture and figure out what I might be doing wrong. Where did I go wrong because although I have had some success I am so far away from where I want to be. No where near where I see myself. I am in limbo. Floating, confused and waiting. Disconnected.